The Scooby Files
by Alana
Summary: Mulder and Scully investigate crop circles in Ohio, and meet up with Scooby-Doo and the gang. Not to be taken seriously at all. Some swearing.


::The Scooby Files::

Cross-over of Epic Proportions

(Author is not responsible for death, maiming, hair loss, or sterility caused by this product. Any resemblance to persons living or dead, fiction or not, is purely intentional. Complaints can be forwarded to Biteme@loser.com.)

By Alana Brown

9:30P.M, Somewhere in Ohio.

"Look at this, Scully." A man yelled across the fields of wheat. "A crop circle." 

A woman with short reddish hair shuffled over to where he stood, looking skeptically at the circle. "And you think Aliens did this?" 

"what else could it be?" The man said, touching the bent-over wheat. 

"It's been proven that many crop circles are man-made, Mulder. Even children can make them. Look, right there, a footprint." She pointed towards the middle of the circle. 

Mulder walked carefully over to the print, examining it. "Size 11 shoe, but fresh, made after the crop circle was made…probably about twenty minutes ago." 

"There's another one over here." Scully called. "It's a dog print, but unusually large…what kind of dog could have a paw that big?" 

"A wolf?" Mulder asked, leaning over the print. 

"No, definitely a dog, the toes are closer together on a wolf. Plus there aren't any wolves left in Ohio." 

"There could be. What about a werewolf?" Mulder looked up at Scully, absolutely serious. 

"…" Scully sighed. "Right, that's so much better than your alien theory. Werewolves, Mulder, are even less likely than the existence of wolves in Ohio!" 

"But it's not impossi-" 

"ARROOOOOWWWWOOOOO!!!!!" 

"What the hell?!" Scully lifted her gun, turning around to see the source of the unearthly howl. In front of her stood a gangly brown dog with black spots, a blue collar, and impossibly large eyes. 

"What on earth?" Mulder muttered, reaching for his gun. "I think we found the owner of the paw-print." 

The dog opened its mouth, and seemed to be speaking. "RI'M SCOOBY-DOOBY-DOOOOO!" It proclaimed, with a wide smile. 

"What type of anomaly is this? Is it talking?" Scully muttered, looking at the dog closely. "Some sort of genetic mutation gone wrong?" 

The dogs ears perked up, as Scully and Mulder heard yelling in the distance. "Scooby Doo! Where are you!?" The dog ran toward the source of the sound, tongue slapping against his head. 

"Should we-?" 

"Oh, what the hell?" 

Mulder and Scully followed, running as fast as they could to catch up to the abstract dog. When they finally came into view of it they slowed down, with Mulder panting heavily. 

A man stood in front of the dog, patting it on the head. He had shaggy hair, a bright green shirt, brown sagging pants, and a chin that desperately needed shaving. 

"Freeze! FBI!" Scully yelled. To her surprise, the dog yelped, and jumped into the man's arms, wrapping its large paws around his neck. "Who a-are y-y-y-you?" The man squealed. 

"Uhhhh…. I'm agent Dana Scully, and this my partner agent Fox Mulder…what is wrong with your dog?" 

"Ahhh! Are you g-going t-t-to sh-sh-shoot us?!" The man cried, trembling as though in shock. 

The two agents lowered their guns, looking at each other in astonishment. "No, we aren't going to shoot you, if you tell us your name, and what you're doing here." Mulder said slowly, noticing that the man's pupils were dilated, and that he and his dog seemed to be very…colorful. 

"My name's Shaggy, and this is my dog Scooby. Our friends and us came to, uh, help Old man McDonald find the ghost of his farm. It's been making crop circles and d-d-destroying wheat. Y-You aren't the ghost, are you?!" 

"No, we aren't ghosts." Scully muttered, rubbing her temples. "Where are your friends?" 

"We split up to find the ghost. They're in the barn." 

""Shaggy', do you have a last name?" Scully asked. 

"A what?" 

"A last name." 

"Shaggy." 

"No, no, I mean, what's your whole name?" 

"Shaggy." 

"Your whole name is Shaggy." 

"Yeah." 

"Mulder, can we go!?" Scully turned to look at her partner pleadingly. "There's no reason for us to be here." 

"Yes there is. We have to help find the ghost that ruined Old Man McDonald's crop." 

"But…shouldn't we see about that report of drug traffickers transporting illegal substances through Kennedy Airport?" She stared at him, waiting for his reply. 

"Scully, I think this is a little more important. Get your priorities in check!" Mulder patted Scooby on the head. 

"GET MY PRIORITIES STRAIGHT?! YOU JACK-" 

"Scully, you're upsetting the dog." Mulder pointed to Scooby, who had once more latched onto Shaggy's neck. 

"Fine. Fine! Let's go, Mulder, Scooby, Shruggy. We'll find your friends and get the…ghost." 

"My name is Shaggy." Said Shaggy. 

"Whatever. Let's go!" 

Shaggy looked at Mulder, confused. "Is she always like this?" he whispered. 

"Pretty much. But I think your dog pushed her over the edge." Mulder said. "Come on, we'd better find your friends." 

As they approached the run-down barn, a blue light started glowing from inside. It buzzed loudly, and flickered on and off. 

"Rrit's the ghrrost!" Scooby yelped, cowering in fear. 

"Come on, Scooby, we have to go inside!" Shaggy cried. 

"Nuh-uh!" Scooby barked, hiding his eyes with his hands. 

"Will you do it for a Scooby snack?" Shaggy asked, pulling a bone shaped treat out of his pocket. 

"Reah! Reah!" Scooby jumped to his feet, and with one giant swish of his tongue he got the treat, and swallowed it whole. "Yummmm!" He cried. 

"How bizarre." Scully whispered. "Maybe we should shoot them." 

"Scully! C'mon, we've seen worse, besides, the dog's kind of endearing." 

"Mmm. As endearing as the flesh-eating virus? Or the sewer creature? Or maybe the toxic black oil?" She crossed her arms, and followed the other three into the barn. The blue light seemed to be emanating from the back of the barn, and they cautiously approached it. 

"Stay behind us." Mulder said, reaching for his gun. Scully did the same, and Shaggy and Scooby followed behind, both trembling fiercely. Mulder lifted his head over a bale of hay to see the light coming from a man in a pirate suit, glowing blue, and counting money. 

"See, Scully?" He whispered. "The ghost!" 

"That could just be a man in a pirate suit with glow-in-the-dark paint on." She stepped out from behind the bale of hay, gun cocked, and yelled. "Hey! Freeze! FBI!" 

"She likes saying that." Whispered Shaggy. 

"Reah." Scooby said, nodding. 

The pirate ghost looked up, his eyes glowing. He screamed, and came rushing at Scully. This of course tipped over the hay, which scared Scooby, who jumped into Scully's arms, who fell over, dropping her gun. The ghost ran right past them, out of the barn. 

Mulder ran past the heap of arms and legs and paws, and looked out the barn door. All he could see were fields. "He's gone." Mulder yelled to Scully, who was untangling herself from the dog's fierce grip. 

"Damn, I almost had him." She stood up, shaking herself off. All Scooby could do was cover his eyes and whimper, as Shaggy was doing in the corner. 

"But where are your friends?" Mulder asked, looking about. "You said they were in here." 

"We are! Up here!" 

Scully and Mulder looked up to see three people in the loft. A red-haired girl in a purple dress, a preppy boy with blonde hair and a sailor-like shirt, and a freckled girl with glasses and yellow clothes. They, like Shaggy and Scooby, seemed unusually brightly colored. They climbed down the ladder to the barn floor and joined Shaggy and Scooby. 

"And your names are…?" Scully asked, crossing her arms and shifting her weight to her left leg. 

"I'm Freddie." The blonde preppy boy answered. "And this is Velma." He pointed to the girl with the glasses. "And this is Daphne." He pointed to the red-haired girl in the dress. 

"Hi." Said Daphne. "Are you trying to catch the ghost too?" 

"Yes, we're agents Mulder and Scully." Mulder said. "We were out here examining a crop circle that was reported, and we ran into your dog. He, um, talks?" 

"Yeah, old Scoob has always talked, why wouldn't he?" Shaggy said, ruffling Scooby's ears. "He's talked since he was a puppy." 

"Ryup." Scooby agreed, wagging his tail. 

Before Mulder could say anything else, Scully spoke. "And I don't suppose any of you have last names, do you?" 

They looked at her blankly. "A what?" Velma asked, adjusting her glasses. 

"Sigh… Figures. The dog is the only one with a full name." Scully sighed and looked at Mulder. "Come on, Mulder, this is ridiculous! I've put up with all your crazy ideas before, but this…?" 

"Give it a chance, Scully. They're just kids, and besides, it is a crime to destroy property, and they say the "ghost" made that crop circle. It won't take long to solve this." 

"Okay…" 

"Jinkies!" 

Mulder and Scully turned to see Velma standing over the spot where the ghost had been counting money. "Look" she said "It's glow-in-the-dark paint." 

"I knew it." Scully said, glancing at Mulder. "Not a real ghost at all." 

"Wow." Freddie said. "Maybe we should split up and look for the ghost. Daphne and Velma can go with me, and Shaggy and Scooby can go with the agents." 

"Why don't you go with Shaggy and Daphne, and Mulder, Velma, the dog, and I will go together." Scully suggested. 

"But…Scooby and Shaggy always go with the guest stars." 

"Guest stars?!" Scully muttered. "I'm just saying, I mean, why send the two idiots together? It's more effective to spread their bumbling out so it's not insufferable." 

"I-no-it's just…THAT"S THE WAY IT IS!!! DON"T SCREW WITH THE SYSTEM!!!!!!!" Freddie's face had turned red. A very…bright red. 

Scully and Mulder shared a glance, and backed off with Shaggy and Scooby. "We'll, uh, meet you here in an hour." Mulder called. 

"Good luck!" Daphne said in an unusually perky voice. "Watch out for the ghost!" 

"She's nice." Mulder said as they left the barn. 

"Mulder?" Scully asked. "Do you pay attention to anything that happens around you?!" 

"Sure, for instance, Shaggy, what's your shoe size?" 

"A thirteen." 

"What's Freddie's?" 

"Um…an eight." 

"See? The footprint we found in the crop circle was an eleven men's shoe. If Freddie and Shaggy don't match it, then it must belong to the ghost." 

"I'm impressed, Mulder." Scully said. 

"Thank you." 

They walked for a few minutes in silence, looking behind everything they past for a sign of the ghost. All of a sudden, from behind the farmhouse, the ghost appeared, in all its cobalt-blue glory. It ran at them, screaming. 

"Ahhh! The GHOST!" Screamed Shaggy. He took off running, with Scooby not far behind. 

"Wait!" Scully yelled to them. "I've got my gun!" She reached in her coat, then turned pale. "It's still on the barn floor…" 

"Run after those two, I'll stop the ghost." Mulder reached for his gun, cocked it, and fired it. A small flag popped out of it that read: 

There's too much violence on TV Already! Guns kill, cartoons don't! .-The Censors. 

Mulder dropped his gun, utterly confused. He took of running towards the barn that Scooby, Shaggy, and Scully had already reached, and that the other three kids were still in. Scully ran out of the barn, gun in hand. 

"Freeze! FBI!" Yelled Scully, to the ghost. 

"Jinkies!" Said Velma. "What an annoying catch phrase." 

"Scully, it won't work! The gun is-" Mulder didn't get to finish, as Scully fired. The same flag popped out, but Scully was stubborn, and fired three more shots. More flags protruded from the gun, and a loud BEEP covered Scully's reply to the surprise. 

"Jinkies!" Said Velma. "I have an idea." She pulled Freddie and Daphne into the barn. 

Mulder had reached the barn, and the ghost was close behind. "Well" Mulder said "They can't censor my fists!" Just as he raised his hand, Velma, Freddie, and Daphne came out of the barn and threw a net over the ghost. Freddie pulled it around him and tied it tight. 

"Where'd you get the net?" Scully asked. 

"Oh, that's not important." Said Daphne cheerfully. "What's important is that we caught him." 

"Now let's unmask him!" Freddie exclaimed, pulling the mask from the ghost. Everyone gasped. 

"Who is that?" asked Shaggy. 

"That's…Special Agent Skinner!" Scully exclaimed. 

"But…why are you running around Ohio in a pirate suit and glow-in-the-dark paint making crop circles?!" 

"Because I could sell the pictures to UFO obsessed freaks like you for big bucks, Mulder." Skinner said. 

"But why the pirate suit and glow-in-the-dark paint?" Scully said, removing his fake eye-patch. 

"That was for my own …personal enjoyment. Look, you have your hobbies, I have mine, okay?!" He sighed, then grimaced. "And I would have gotten away with it too, if it weren't for you pesky FBI agents, and your dog, too!" 

"RRSCOOBY DOOBY DOO!" Scooby exclaimed. Everyone laughed but agents Mulder and Scully. 

"I hear "Monkees" music." Said Scully. 

"That's because it's the end!" Freddie exclaimed. 

The End

"But we still need to take evidence photos, fingerprint him, get a written confession, and go to trial…" Said Scully. 

"MY GOD! IT'S THE END, WOMAN! DON'T SCREW WITH THE SYSTEM!!" Said Freddie. 


End file.
